Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
