I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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