people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Randomize
