apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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