Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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