true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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