When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
