I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
