I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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