with your own penis?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
