You just made me feel so damn special
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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