At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
