Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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