May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
