so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
