The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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