He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
