well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
