just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
