At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
