I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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