i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
