I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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