the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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