cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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