I will die if light touches me.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
