Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
