ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
