i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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