rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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