Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
