Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
