Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
