I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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