the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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