I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
