I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
There r osticjed everywhere
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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