dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
