sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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