mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Sorry about my life...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
