It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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