You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
