I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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