I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
