Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She even gives head with a lisp.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
