I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize