i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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