She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
