kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
