very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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