I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
