If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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