i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
