That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
