So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
