Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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