I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
