I CAN MOONWALK!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
